sorry to hear that :( people can be really unsympathetic especially when they dont understand. dont hurt yourself though, please.
For a long time I’ve been so distant from the world and loved ones. Now that I’m older and out of high school I realize how much pain I’m actually in. I’ve suffered from intense anxiety, depression, and now I think I may have ADD and/or MDD (maladaptive daydreaming disorder). I daydream for several years to cope with the pain I deal with. It’s an addiction that I haven’t been able to break. It’s ruining my life because I waste so much time. I don’t even know if it’s an actual disorder because psychologists haven’t been studying it for that long. I feel like even if it is that I’d just be subconsciously looking for a label to categorize myself. Even I’m trying to focus my daydreams start or are triggered by something. In my dreamworld I’m happy (most times). I rely on it emotionally to get by most days. It’s like a curse and a blessing because I truly wouldn’t feel like an artistic/poetic person if I couldn’t daydream vividly. I just wanna get better and I honestly think something mentally isn’t quite right with me.
I am not here to tell a sob story, just MY story hopefully I touch the hurting soul that was once like me- dreading everyday, getting up burdened with the multiple “issues”, my only goal through this post was and is to inspire that soul that, although, life may not be ” peaches and roses” that…
I never “blamed” any of this on anything… but that’s the bottom line. And actually, for some people, thinking of a mental disorder in medical terms helps them accept what their going through.
I simply mentioned that it is due to brain chemistry because nothing happened to me. Yeah, there’s generally a trigger of some sort or a lot of stress which sort of gets the ball rolling… but for a lot of people, there isn’t. Or there’s no clear, identifiable trigger. And for a lot of people, that makes them feel even worse about they’re going through because nothing has happened to them.
I have friends who have been raped, who have been abused and beaten, who have lost parents, who have been kicked out of their homes… I can go on… and this is just three of my closest friends… believe me, there’s a lot more.
But what happened to me? Nothing. I was predisposition for these mental disorders by a chemical imbalance and genetics and probably just general stress is what triggered them. But that’s not a clear thing I can go back to.
I did, in my previous response, talk about environmental factors and how they are a trigger. But they are a trigger to that predisposition. I can’t go into details of exactly what’s going on in the brain because it’s extremely complicated I’m in a shitty mood, and it’s something that even professionals are working to figure out and understand.
Do you want me to blame my bipolar disorder on myself? You think that’s going to be healthy for me psychologically? If I think things like “I’m the reason I have an eating disorder”? If I think that I brought these things upon myself?
Well it’s not. Because I’ve been there and I’ve done that and while those thoughts still come to mind for me, it’s not a place I’m trying to go back to. Understanding my disorders and the biology of them and the different ways they present themselves… that helps me. It helps me understand what I am going through as a person and that’s what I need to do in order to recover.
So I’m sorry I’ve never been through any major emotional traumas in my life that have triggered my mental health issues but that’s a bit out of my control.
Not to mention… that was a very general response. I can go into some serious detail about how my accident when I was six which is were the PTSD is from taught me at a young age to cope with anxiety by refusing food. And I have… I wrote a whole paper on it while I was still in grad school. But no one specifically asked me that… what they asked was what happened to me.
And I actually had no problems with that ask… it seemed like the person was genuinely curious and I have no problem helping people understand mental health. But in case you were unaware- mental actually refers to the brain. And people need to understand that mental disorders are not a conscious thing, they are not something people bring upon themselves, they aren’t some sort of ridiculous karma… they are actually biologically predisposition in our brains and there’s nothing we can do to prevent them.
You found happiness once, you can do it again. Happiness exists all around the world, in every corner. But it’s up to you to make things work, to fight for positive feelings and thoughts. Maybe consider reaching out and finding a therapist there as soon as you get there? You deserve to be supported.